12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
