You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
