Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
