Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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