There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
