Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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