She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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