did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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