Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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