saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
