He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
