You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
