he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
