Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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