i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
