I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
