How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
