all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
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New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
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How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex