a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
