im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
