Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
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Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
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And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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