May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
