i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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