In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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