She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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