Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
