he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I got inside last night via doggy door
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
