I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
