when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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