the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
