I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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