By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
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my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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