Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
