i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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