forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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