i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
ugly people sure do ruin things
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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