I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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