Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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