an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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