i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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