and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
