She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Watching her eat just hurts me
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
