I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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