I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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