Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
