First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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