There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
