i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
