She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
