So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
