I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
