Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
fuck your aforementioned shoe
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
