then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Bang-toberfest begins!!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
