I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
