just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
