how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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