i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
