That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
