the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
