she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
