Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
