I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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